November 3, 2011

Sad Songs Make You Cry

"I just realized everything I have will someday be gone." The country song, Never Grow Up has been playing  through my head, on repeat, for the last few days.  Those are sad words aren't they? 

It is that time of year again; the seasons of life are changing... it always makes me a little sad.  I hear the gust of wind and I see the effects of their force.  I look at the row of aspens in my back yard,  in one afternoon storm they where striped barren of the beautiful leaves that once coloured their tips so bright.  Just a few short days ago I admired the contrast of those vibrant yellow leaves against the intense blue of the sky, how radiant they were... and now they're gone.  My aspens have been striped back, they stand naked and vulnerable and have no say in the way nature takes its course.

I think what we see in nature can reflect our own sense of loss.  Seeing it through the lens of my aspens makes the reality within me that much more real and I can't deny it's existence  Left with a feeling of loss and a sadness that rips to the heart, I am left barren, stripped back, vulnerable and with little control.

So I admit I am sad, melancholy, tired and a bit lifeless.  I long for something more; but I don't have the faintest idea how to make "it" happen.  Our culture is so uncomfortable with the emotion of sadness.  We try with all our might to somehow make it disappear, to eradicate it; or at the very least sanitize it and clean it up a bit.  It is a messy emotion; we put on masks, we numb, we laugh it off, we fake it.  We have even sanitized a funeral; it is now called a celebration of life.  But in all our attempts, our sadness and loss still finds its way to the surface.

I think that if we give our self permission to sit in our sadness (no not depression), there is something there for us; a gift in disguise perhaps?  Even in the sadness, in the dark and lonely place, creeps a very real and haunting beauty.

Now don't get me wrong when I am sad, anyone who has had the privilege of seeing my sadness in action will tell you straight up "it ain't pretty!!"  I don't go down without a fight.  My tears, once they start, flow out of my control. Oh but yes I fight it, every step of the way with a face that contorts with every muscle trying its hardest to hide and conceal my hurt and pain.  This of course only creates a much larger mess and my face is anything but beautiful!  I always am a bit envious of those few who seem to radiate something beautiful even when they cry; but I guarantee you I am not so blessed!

So where does this haunting beauty and hidden gift I speak of come from?  What lessons have I learned for this lonely place?  When I sit with my sadness, it reveals a heart that longs for more, I see the things I value and care the most about.  It reveals my heart, and the longings and desires that I so seldom dare to explore.

My hope is that we can all carve out some time to explore and mine the depths of our sadness to reveal and learn from the things we have lost. Take a new look at nature, listen to some music that moves you, look at some art that stirs the emotion and see what things bubble up from within.  Get comfortable with your discomfort... its ok, you are human and not alone!

all photos taken by my sweet friend Kezia!

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